Ripped open

have you ever had someone who meant so much to you, do something to make you never again as long as you live ever talk to them again? Well I have. Someone who was my oldest friend decided to let their jealous, prideful, selfish heart get in the way of something that could have been blown over in the wind. They choose to make me the bad guy when deep down in my heart I knew I had done nothing wrong. A another friend of mine and this person had a disagreement and it went to far, I was upset but choose to move past it. I reached out on different levels yet I was the one who wasn't doing enough? Yeah that happened. It got to the point where I took a stand and said enough was enough. They didn't show up to my wedding and that was the final straw that broke the camels back. They tell me moments will come and go and I couldn't believe that. This was my wedding day not some birthday party. Right now I sit here writing everything, to get it out of my head and off my heart. What this person did to me will never be forgiven now I will move past it because its the right thing to do but I will never let them in my heart again. I wish I could tell them lets act like it never happened but then I feel like that means they could do it again and it will be okay. I built my life and had to rebuild it and they weren't always supportive then so I am not sure much will change in the future. It's hard when this person is or was so close to me. I have tried to harden my heart to the world but then I feel like the wicked queen or someone else. I cant find a happy balance in the middle, which isn't fair to the ones nearest to me. My husband is such an amazing and gifted man. He could go work on his toys for hours and come inside dripping wet from his sweat and still help me do the dishes. I wish I could have that much strength but then again he is my rock for a reason. This person hurt not only me but my husband by their actions. That is something else I am having to deal with. They hurt the man I love more than life itself. He told me we will never do anything for this person again and in that moment I said okay. Now, I am lost. Do I try and fix what I didn't break in the first place or let go and move on? I am not even sure the last option in even an option to be honest with myself. How do you run away from that feeling of home? Right now with all these storms brewing, I cant bring myself to think of anything else but the safety of my little family right now. I love writing here because it helps me breathe, I feel lighter already which is insane to me. I have held all of this hurt in for so long I felt it making me an ugly person and all I want to be is pretty.

MAKE UP

What is make up really? Chemicals mixed with water and some coloring so that we might find our perfect match? Lord help us, there a terms like undertones and dewy and mat finishes. The thing I like most about make up witch is dumb so don't judge is the level of bad ass I feel. There is something about the arch of an eyebrow or the plump lips that make me want to kick ass and take names. Without my "full face" I feel weak or vulnerable. No idea why this is but I feel better in my make up at work, maybe that's because I was told without it on I look like I have a bad attitude. Oh yeah that happened. My world kinda changed forever that day. I haven't figured out if that it is a good or bad change yet...stay tuned for that answer. When hurricane Harvey hit last year I had some make up. Then I met a friend who's whole world revolves around the beauty industry and I kinda got hooked. So much I landed a job at ULTA. Now remind you I was new to the make up world and lord have mercy that was another storm I had to go through but this one was kinda of fun. Sure make up costs but working there I got a good discount and it gave me something to learn due to me being so new to this world. You can ask my husband I might have gone off the deep end a little bit, so much I had a bag hidden from him with A LOT of things in it. I wasn't sure which way was up at this point. I had found something that both excited me and scared the crap out of me and my bank account. I know people give woman and men who wear full faces of make up crap because we don't look the same with out it on but honestly none of us should be caring what others think, yes I know its easier to type here then to listen to that and do it. Trust me I know better than most. I know people also say those who love you don't care what you look like but I want to be that wife that has her husbands eye all the time, I want him to be proud of me. I want him to want me...not saying he doesn't now but I want to be able to feel sexy the way he sees me. It's hard, we all become comfortable with each other and sure weight may come and no its not simple to lose. Maybe it is for some who can find the time to wake up early and hit the gym but like most I like my sleep a lot. Mainly I think because I don't do it well at night, I don't know maybe I am a vampire which I am totally okay with. I have tried the whole gym thing but then I feel guilty about not being home to clean or cook or even study now that I am back at school. Life is hard so wear the make up and do what makes you happy, I can't say no matter what because there are things out there that might make you happy but that are very bad for you, the world is complicated. I know that.