My money & My time

I've been told a lot lately that I spend to much money on things that don't matter, my hair, lashes and nails to just name the top complaints. Being a red head is a massive thing, maybe a visit to the salon if I am lucky once a month but if I use the wrong products and they strip my color then I am going more and more. My eyelashes last me about three weeks again if I take care of them but if I don't then I have to book an earlier appointment. Why am I defending myself is what runs through my head constantly so here I am putting it in writing so that if anyone else is like me they can see that they aren't shallow or vain. I do these things because they force me to spend time on myself. When you give yourself to others day in and day out you begin to feel your mind and body falling apart so when I am sitting in the salon chair laughing with my hair girl or having the greatest nap at my lash techs studio then I am adding water back to my cup. I know no matter what my reasons are that people will always find something to say about me but that's great, for them. I cant please everyone and I am finally able to stand on my own two feet and say enough. When I take the time to love on myself it makes the demons in my head disappear, not forever but this past year I have been able to grow and I am loving the woman I am becoming more and more each day. She isn't the doormat that a lot of people are used to and I am enjoying the shock when they realize who I am now. So deep breath and know that's its okay to spend money on yourself and to block time out of your insane life for yourself! Like T- Shift said What's a girl gonna do? A diamond's gotta shine!

Ripped open

have you ever had someone who meant so much to you, do something to make you never again as long as you live ever talk to them again? Well I have. Someone who was my oldest friend decided to let their jealous, prideful, selfish heart get in the way of something that could have been blown over in the wind. They choose to make me the bad guy when deep down in my heart I knew I had done nothing wrong. A another friend of mine and this person had a disagreement and it went to far, I was upset but choose to move past it. I reached out on different levels yet I was the one who wasn't doing enough? Yeah that happened. It got to the point where I took a stand and said enough was enough. They didn't show up to my wedding and that was the final straw that broke the camels back. They tell me moments will come and go and I couldn't believe that. This was my wedding day not some birthday party. Right now I sit here writing everything, to get it out of my head and off my heart. What this person did to me will never be forgiven now I will move past it because its the right thing to do but I will never let them in my heart again. I wish I could tell them lets act like it never happened but then I feel like that means they could do it again and it will be okay. I built my life and had to rebuild it and they weren't always supportive then so I am not sure much will change in the future. It's hard when this person is or was so close to me. I have tried to harden my heart to the world but then I feel like the wicked queen or someone else. I cant find a happy balance in the middle, which isn't fair to the ones nearest to me. My husband is such an amazing and gifted man. He could go work on his toys for hours and come inside dripping wet from his sweat and still help me do the dishes. I wish I could have that much strength but then again he is my rock for a reason. This person hurt not only me but my husband by their actions. That is something else I am having to deal with. They hurt the man I love more than life itself. He told me we will never do anything for this person again and in that moment I said okay. Now, I am lost. Do I try and fix what I didn't break in the first place or let go and move on? I am not even sure the last option in even an option to be honest with myself. How do you run away from that feeling of home? Right now with all these storms brewing, I cant bring myself to think of anything else but the safety of my little family right now. I love writing here because it helps me breathe, I feel lighter already which is insane to me. I have held all of this hurt in for so long I felt it making me an ugly person and all I want to be is pretty.

MAKE UP

What is make up really? Chemicals mixed with water and some coloring so that we might find our perfect match? Lord help us, there a terms like undertones and dewy and mat finishes. The thing I like most about make up witch is dumb so don't judge is the level of bad ass I feel. There is something about the arch of an eyebrow or the plump lips that make me want to kick ass and take names. Without my "full face" I feel weak or vulnerable. No idea why this is but I feel better in my make up at work, maybe that's because I was told without it on I look like I have a bad attitude. Oh yeah that happened. My world kinda changed forever that day. I haven't figured out if that it is a good or bad change yet...stay tuned for that answer. When hurricane Harvey hit last year I had some make up. Then I met a friend who's whole world revolves around the beauty industry and I kinda got hooked. So much I landed a job at ULTA. Now remind you I was new to the make up world and lord have mercy that was another storm I had to go through but this one was kinda of fun. Sure make up costs but working there I got a good discount and it gave me something to learn due to me being so new to this world. You can ask my husband I might have gone off the deep end a little bit, so much I had a bag hidden from him with A LOT of things in it. I wasn't sure which way was up at this point. I had found something that both excited me and scared the crap out of me and my bank account. I know people give woman and men who wear full faces of make up crap because we don't look the same with out it on but honestly none of us should be caring what others think, yes I know its easier to type here then to listen to that and do it. Trust me I know better than most. I know people also say those who love you don't care what you look like but I want to be that wife that has her husbands eye all the time, I want him to be proud of me. I want him to want me...not saying he doesn't now but I want to be able to feel sexy the way he sees me. It's hard, we all become comfortable with each other and sure weight may come and no its not simple to lose. Maybe it is for some who can find the time to wake up early and hit the gym but like most I like my sleep a lot. Mainly I think because I don't do it well at night, I don't know maybe I am a vampire which I am totally okay with. I have tried the whole gym thing but then I feel guilty about not being home to clean or cook or even study now that I am back at school. Life is hard so wear the make up and do what makes you happy, I can't say no matter what because there are things out there that might make you happy but that are very bad for you, the world is complicated. I know that.

Breathe

You ever feel like there is a semi truck laid frame on your chest? NO that's just me? well that sucks and I am getting sick of feeling like a princess that needs to be saved every single day. I know deep down that I am stronger than that but here lately its been the same shit day in and day out. Wake up and not wanting to get my ass out of bed, I have thought about waking up early to work out then I wake up a few times during the night and cant fall asleep, that sucks the most. Hence why I keep headphones on my night stand. I will never get why some people feel that God gave them the right to make others feel less than a ant. I don't get why I get so mad when people have been told their job i don't know maybe a hundred times yet here we are dealing with the same shit again. I hate the feeling that I will never amount to anything here because I am young and a woman. I get it I work with semi's but who the fuck cares, I am not out underneath them rebuilding the engine so why does it matter what my experience level is? I work with papers? Do I need to know a lot for my postilion yes your dam right I do but never once have I said that's to much or that's not my job like most of my team says on a daily basis as they are throwing me under the bus for something. Yes it sucks being new to this world I am working in but I am scared of it, I love to learn and holy shit there is a lot to learn here so that makes me really happy. RANT OVER...FOR NOW

RAIN

RAIN, has to be my least favorite four letter word.

As a Harvey flood victim I haven't even wanted to be in a bathtub full of water for more than 5 minutes, there is something about the uncontrollable motion that water is made up of. My heart breaks and my stomach drops every time I hear rain drops falling on the ground. There wasn't lighting during the flood that I can remember but my head wasn't even attached to my body that day. I remember the night before we lost everything but what made us well us. I never thought I could be so lost. I felt like more than all my materials things had floated away with the rushing waters. I vowed that I would be strong enough to handle what ever happened to us next, I wasn't ready for that. The day the water had gone away was one rough day. People arrived by the masses to help our street, random people who didn't even know our name and people who were there when our names were given to us. I knew it wouldn't be easy but the amount of time it took to take out the walls in our home felt like a blink of an eye. For the longest time you could see the hurt in people's eyes when they found out that we lost pretty much everything we had before the storm hit but we didn't want peoples pity we wanted their respect.  We are survivors.